Last Updated on June 21, 2023 by alli
If you have a daughter in primary school, then you’ll probably agree that friendships play a very important role.
Every day when my daughter comes home from school, what she talks about the most are her friends. Her friendships are what consume her, and it’s been like this since the very first day she started school.
When her friendships are going well, everything’s good, and she’s happy. When they hit a rocky patch, then everything suffers from her mood, emotions, and lack of focus on learning. I’m sure many of you will relate.
When a child starts school for the first time or is new to a school, it’s a big milestone. During these important times, a mum holds many hopes for her child. One common hope is that her child will make friends quickly, and always have someone to play with.
When my daughter started school, naturally I hoped she would be a good student. But the truth is, my first hope was that she would make friends.
It was the same when we moved states (from Sydney to Brisbane) in 2021. Again, the main thing I worried about was whether she would make friends quickly, because I knew without friends, she wouldn’t settle in to her new school.
When a child has good friends at school, there are so many benefits that come with it. One, of course, is a relieved mother! Here are some others.
5 benefits of healthy friendships at school
1. Builds self-esteem
When your daughter has a friend that’s excited to see her at school each day, this makes her feel valued. Feeling valued is wonderful, it builds on your self-worth and self-esteem.
2. Helps develop social skills
Children learn social skills through friendships. When they play and spend time together they learn things such as, how to share, listen, give advice, take turns, and have empathy. Children who learn life skills through friendships, such as how to work together nicely and how to manage conflict properly, are less likely to have social and emotional challenges later in life.
3. Gives them a sense of belonging
Having friends to play and spend time with at school will give your daughter a sense of belonging. If she feels like she belongs, she is more likely to feel a sense of purpose at school and feel a stronger connection to her school.
4. They’ll have a better focus on learning
When a person is content and happy, then everything seems much easier. That’s the same when it comes to a happy child at school who has nice friends and healthy friendships. The contentment filters through to the classroom. The child comes to school ready to learn and has a much better focus. This is because there is no drama or other issues around friendships that are dominating their mind and impacting their learning.
5. They will be invited to social events
The definition of “excitement” is a child receiving an invitation to a birthday party or playdate. With friendships come more social events and through socialising our children are happy mentally and emotionally.
Difficult friendships
Unfortunately, not all friendships are positive and throughout her years at school, your daughter may experience some problems with friends. They nearly all do.
When this happens, things can get tough and challenging at school (and at home.)
Next time your daughter is upset because of a problem with a friend, there are certain steps you can take to help her through it.
6 easy steps, to build resilience and teach your daughter problem-solving skills
- Sit her down and listen to the problem to get a clear understanding of what’s been happening.
- Empathise with her. Don’t brush it off or tell her it’s nothing. Say things like “That must have hurt your feelings” or “I understand why you’re upset”.
- Ask a lot of open-ended questions. Remember, what you’re hearing is one side of the story. (I never automatically assume the other little girl is at fault. I’m open to the possibility that there is more to the story than what my daughter may be telling me).
- Help her to problem solve. Ask her what solution she would like to get from the problem, and what she thinks she can do about it?
- Give her your advice and insight. Share any of your past personal experiences with her. Talk through the plan of action and the next steps she can take. (I always encourage my daughter to try to resolve the problem herself by supporting her through it and checking in regularly.
- If the situation is particularly bad and ongoing, then speak to her teacher about it to get the teacher’s insight and advice.
If your daughter feels she is being bullied by another child, say to her – “You’ll never be able to control how others behave, but what you can control is how you react”. (I firmly stand by this). Remind your daughter that she has the power to either-
- walk away
- play with someone else
- shrug and act as though she doesn’t care
Bullying is about power. Let her know that each time she chooses any of the above, she takes the power away from the bully.
Other ways to offer support
I know it can leave you feeling helpless when you see your daughter so upset over a problem with a friend. The fact that she is young and still learning life skills doesn’t make the matter any easier. But there are things you can do to help her through difficult times. You can –
- Teach her what a good friendship looks like by talking about how good friends behave. They are always kind, respectful and include you.
- Let her know that it works both ways. To have good friends, she must also be one herself.
- Encourage her to make a range of friends at school, not just one. This is because when you only have one friend, sometimes that friend is away sick or on holiday. This then leaves your child with no one to play with. Also, if her only friendship breaks down, she’ll be left on her own. If your daughter has a handful of friends, and she starts having problems with one, she’ll have others she can turn to for support and to play with.
- Show her you are there to listen to her, talk to her and support her. This is very important because without that, she’ll feel like she is on her own and may struggle to find her way through.
Conclusion
In the very early years of school, children tend to change friends frequently. Quite often they play and make friends with someone simply because they are in the same class as them. This is often the case in primary school.
One year your daughter may have a best friend in one little girl and the next year she may move on to play with someone else. What this means is that each year her friendships will be different and she will need to learn how to navigate around them. One year may run smoothly and the next may have problems.
I truly believe, the most important thing you can do as a parent (or carer) is to always be there for your daughter to offer support and encouragement, without being too involved in the day-to-day issues.
Remember that no matter how hard things may seem now for your daughter, early childhood friendships usually don’t last a lifetime.
Support her through understanding what a good friend is and how she can be one in return, after all, friendship is a two-way street.
If your daughter is being a good friend, and not receiving the same in return, encourage her to try and make new friends, ones that will make her happy because when she is happy she will shine at school.
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