What every Parent can do to Reduce Bullying in Primary School

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Last Updated on July 4, 2023 by alli

My daughter is currently happy at school and enjoying her friendships. There was a time though when this wasn’t the case. She had experienced ongoing bullying by a child at her previous school and it impacted her immensely.  

When it was at its worst, I’d find myself tearing up in private because I felt so deeply for what my daughter was going through. It was then that I decided to educate myself about bullying and find out ways to help her.

If you’re a parent of a little person experiencing bullying in primary (elementary) school, you’ll understand that bullying affects every part of their being. The harm caused to your child can result in some of the following:

• feelings of sadness, anger, and loneliness
• lack of concentration
• trouble sleeping
• loss of appetite
• poor attendance at school
• trouble with schoolwork
• feeling physically sick
• feeling unsafe

No one, let alone a young child should ever feel this way!

What is bullying?

Here is the definition by the Oxford dictionary.
bully

verb
bullying
1. seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable).

There are 4 common types of bullying, they are:

Verbal: Name-calling, teasing, threats.
Physical: Hitting, punching, tripping, kicking, unwanted touching.
Social: Spreading rumours, making unkind jokes, or playing nasty tricks. Leaving a person out, not letting them play with a group of friends, gossiping and talking badly about someone behind their back.
Cyberbullying: Hurting someone online by teasing or making fun of them. Leaving rude or nasty comments, and pictures or videos about them.

Cyberbullying does exist in primary (elementary) school however, it’s not as prevalent as in high school when most children have their own devices (phone, iPad) and access to social media accounts.

The myth about bullying

It’s a myth that a bully is “born this way.”  

The fact is people who bully often adopt the behaviour from their environment (and sometimes as a result of being bullied themselves.)

Bullying is a learned behaviour. Knowing this means there is something we can do about it. A great place to start is with us (the parents) and the way we raise our children.

The important role parents play

As a mum of one little girl who is in primary school, I can’t personally stop or reduce all the bullying that’s currently thriving in our schools or online. But what I can do is play my part.

I can educate myself about bullying and then raise my daughter in a way that reduces the chance that she will bully other children.

Parenting and raising children to not have bullying behaviours needs to start early, well before children start school. Remember, children begin to learn how to behave at an early age. Parents are their role models. They watch, listen, and learn from our behaviour. They copy us and follow our example.

I’ve personally had my daughter say to me on a few occasions now, “Mum, when I grow up, I want to be just like you”. Each time she says this to me, I feel a huge sense of responsibility because I know she is observing my behaviour and picking up on everything I do, good and bad.

I can also give you many examples of her expressing her opinion about something, when I know she is just repeating an opinion of my own that she’s overheard me express.

Children grow up with many of the same values as their parents. If you talk enough about hating something or someone, they will begin to feel the say way.

With all this in mind, we need to take the job of parenting seriously and be the example our children need us to be. We should always be treating others with respect and kindness.

Start teaching values early

By the time children start school they should have a good understanding of how to share, take turns and play nicely.

They should also have empathy. By this I mean, that if they see another child is hurt or upset, they should sympathise and recognise what that child may be feeling. This is called putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Having empathy is so important because children who have empathy do not have bullying behaviour.  

A child with empathy understands the impact of their words and actions. For example, they would never intentionally make fun of another child, tease them or call them bad names because they would not want to be the cause of hurt to that child.

If you identify a lack of empathy in your child at an early age, there are ways you can help. Some of these are:

• Model the behaviour. When a parent shows empathy towards other people, their child will learn from that.
• Meet your child’s emotional needs. A child needs to feel loved and be treated with kindness for that child to be loving and kind themselves. It goes hand in hand.
• Help them identify feelings. Talk to your child about how another child may be feeling. For example, if you’re reading a book together (or watching a movie) and something sad or bad happens to a character, you can ask your child, “How do you think he/she is feeling”? This will help them name the feeling such as sad, lonely, confused, scared, angry or embarrassed.

If you have a pre-schooler (3-5 years old) and you can see undesirable behaviour, such as not wanting to share or responding negatively towards another child, it’s time to start working on this behaviour. The responsibility does not lie with teachers nor the school to rectify the negative behaviour after the child starts school. The work should start at home, with mum and dad, well before the child starts attending school. This is our duty.

How to ease your child’s bullying

Educating your primary school-aged child about bullying is essential. A great place to start is to explain that bullying is about control.

If you teach your child to show no reaction to a bully, then your child will be able to shift the balance of power.  The bully will no longer feel in control of the situation and bullying your child will no longer feel satisfying. This 100% percent worked for my daughter. When she finally stopped reacting to her bully and showed she no longer cared (that it was water off a duck’s back), the power shifted and the bully stopped.

Here are some things to say to a child that is being bullied:  

• When the bully walks up to you, don’t react, just walk away
• Always try to keep your distance
• Try to not be alone and play with a safe group of friends
• Never bully the person back
• Always know you can talk to me about it. I’ll support and help you as much as I can
• If the bully won’t leave you alone be confident and say in a clear voice, “go away and leave me alone”, or “what you are doing is not ok.” (Bullies enjoy picking on people they think are weak. It’s important to stand tall, be confident and show you don’t care. The more you show you don’t care the less fun it is for them.)
• Don’t show the bully you are upset about anything they have said or done to you. Respond with phrases like “Whatever, who cares, keep talking because I’m not listening, how long did it take you to come up with that one?”

Parents should never take the matter into their own hands by approaching the bully directly or the bully’s parents. This rarely turns out well. If you’re concerned for your child, make an appointment with your child’s teacher or school principal. Make sure you leave the meeting with a clear understanding of the course of action they will be taking.

Teach your child not to be a bystander

A child that witnesses their friend being bullied and does nothing about it is called a bystander.

Often, bystanders take no action because they feel scared, intimidated, nervous, and unsure of what to do.  

When a child who is being bullied has friends who are bystanders that do nothing to support them, this can make them feel even more alone. It can also make them feel that their bystander friends agree with what the bully is saying or doing

Bystanders play an important role because they have the power to make a positive change. A good friend will recognise that something is wrong, and they’ll intervene, interrupt, speak up, and support their friend to make the situation right.

“Strong people stand up for themselves. Stronger people stand up for others.”
– Chris Gardner

A friend who stands up to a bully is called an “upstander”. Even having the support of one friend can make a big difference to a young person who is being bullied. When young children are defended by their peers, they become more reassured and are less scared than those who are not supported.

The following are some things that bystanders can do to become upstanders. They can:

• Intervene and stand up to the bully as a group because there is strength in numbers
• Stay close to (and walk with) the child who is being targeted. This will provide a protective barrier between the target and the bully. It will also send a strong message to the bully
• Question the bully about their behaviour. They can say things like, “why are you saying this when it is not true, don’t you have something better to do?”
• They can back up their friend if their friend decides to tell a teacher about the bullying they are receiving
• Let the friend who is being bullied know that they don’t agree with it and that they support them, and care.

Avoid bullying by raising a confident child – so important!

A great way to prepare your child for school and how to handle a bully is to encourage, nurture and praise them. This will raise their confidence and self-esteem which will reduce the possibility of them being bullied. Remember, a bully is all about power and they don’t normally target someone strong, resilient, and confident.

To end

As I mentioned previously, bullying is a learned behaviour. I therefore strongly believe that if every parent started early (by pre-school age) and dedicated their time to raising a resilient child that has empathy for others, we would be playing our part in reducing bullying in our schools.

“Each one of us can make a difference. Together we can make a change.”
– Barbara Mikulski